I really do love you. I feel happy when you’re happy and angry when you’re angry, but truth be told I think you deserve better than me. I am a horrible person incapable of catering to the needs of others. I think the worst thing about every time we argue is that you are almost always right. I Am Self-centered,  Cruel, and I do complain a lot about life. I’m done complaining though. From this moment out I will keep my comments to myself. My depression and anxiety has no business messing with you. It is my problem and I will deal with it. My only wish is that I could feel the love you claim to have for me. I wish I could understand you more. I wish I could fall deeply and madly in love with you all over again. You are my world. Without you I would be floating around being a waste of existence. You give my life meaning and purpose. You give me something to hope for. To hold out for. You want me to marry you, but never in my life have I been more scared of commitment. I guess I wonder how you could love me when I don’t even love myself. I wonder if I am even capable of love beyond physiological standards. I am territorial, jealous, cruel, destructive, and always looking for a good fight to pick to vent my ever increasing pipe bomb of anger. It’s not even you really I am ever mad at, it is myself for upsetting you. I feel like I am failing you as a man. I don’t know why I feel the need to always be away from you. I don’t know why your presence causes me such anguish. Maybe it is the fact that I view you as such a good thing that I do not deserve. I try to make my decisions based off of my pride and rarely off my brain. I know logically this is not healthy,  I need to heal all my wounds before I dive right on in. It’s just so hard to keep on existing, knowing at any moment a small slight of hand would have us broke and impoverished.  I want to give you the moon and the stars, but you’re getting broken Bic lighters and shards of glass. I don’t know why I do what I do. I know that I am fucking nuts. I know that you are growing tired of it. I just can’t even begin to comprehend why you want to be with me. Even through all the fights, the misplaced trust, the stress, and the resentment.  Every time I suggest breaking up you always say no. For some reason you aren’t giving up on me and for that I will be eternally grateful. I also know everyone has their limits and we have both pushed each other well beyond ours. You always think I’m ignoring you, I really just don’t know how to formulate all these thoughts into the spoken word. I am writing this now because I really need to get it out, I don’t know if I will let you read it or not, I suppose it would be smart. I know that your reaction will probably be a negative one, but I want you to know; I do care immensely about you and our daughter. I would kill a horde of “zombies” for you and i definitely wouldn’t mute luna, I’d probably just duct tape her mouth shut. I feel bad that I am always letting you down, I really am sorry for it. I don’t mean to make you feel like shit when I complain about life. Like I said, that will stop now. It took me over an hour to write this,  but I will have you know I do love you, I do not want to break up with you, I will deal with my emotions myself and try to keep them better in check. I will try to talk without expressing anger or resentment and try to cut back on the sarcasm. I just want you to not hate me for being a fucking mind fuck.